Life and Deaths
by nuke
Summary: An elseworlds version of the killing Joke
1. life and deaths

Disclaimer: I own non of the characters and after this I might not even be allowed to  
  
play with them again!  
  
  
  
  
  
Rating: pg warning though this isn't a happy Fic  
  
Summary: Not telling :p You'll see why at the end .  
  
  
  
Life and Deaths  
  
  
  
  
  
One Door.  
  
One Bullet.  
  
One shattered Spine.  
  
One Life.  
  
One Mistake.  
  
^v^  
  
There are many different types of death but for the process of classification they can be divided into two main types physical and emotional. Does that sound cold, clinical? I suppose it could be thought of that way but its just information, and that's all I have left: my only comfort, my one singular use, and my purpose ever since the first of my deaths.  
  
It was a night pretty much like any other, nothing special or sinister. Lightning never sliced through the sky like some silver sword, there was no deep thick mist in which you cannot see your feet, no pounding rain, no ominous shadows, no ravens no unearthly quiet. It was a warm evening, crickets could be heard chirping and the stars shone like sequins on the ebony cloak of the sky.  
  
I had been visiting my Dad when it happened a knock on the door, being nearest the door I stood to open it, never bothering to look through the spy hole, I mean who does? Opening the door wide he stood there, a thing of nightmare, Bleached bone skin, green mould hair, demonic smile. I could taste my shock at seeing him, acrid, burning, rotten. Feel his enjoyment as he pulled the trigger, insane, twisted, sharp. Hear his laughter as is ruptured my eardrums. See his excitement as he repositioned my prone form abusing my moment when I would surrender my life. It wouldn't make him laugh but his moving me trapped vital arteries preventing my bleeding to death, his perversion saving me, funny huh?  
  
One mistake, One death, The death of innocence.  
  
^v^  
  
Weeks Later in the hospital I had finally come around, my extended family surrounding me showing their concern, their love. Studying their faces showing a plethora of emotions not one of them seeing the funny side, after years of patrolling with Batman, escaping innumerable death traps yet I get nailed opening a front door, ironic or what, I guess its true most accidents do occur at home. Holding my Dads hand I catch a glimpse of my Love's Father. Both he and my Dad have similar expressions of anger and guilt. I could almost se the identical thoughts running through their heads, The Batman, The Commissioner of Gotham, the number of times they had apprehended him, the chances they had to stop him for good, the guilt over not being able to protect me. I offer them a smile I would say don't blame yourselves but it would do no good, in some ways they are so alike both assuming the guilt neither being able to forgive themselves no matter if I don't even blame them.  
  
Dr. Leslie walks in smiling to see I'm awake, I can see the concern on her face, the apprehension, the sorrow, the guilt as she drops the bombshell. In shock I smile and joke about how I will be able to catch up on my beauty sleep at last. Unable to take the looks of pity on my families face I feign sleep as the news of my second death hits me. No more flying, no more freedom of the rooftops, no more independence, no more helping others. I sink into unconsciousness and despair, the life I had trained and worked for over,  
  
The death of Hope.  
  
^v^  
  
The owner of my heart arrived today, sitting next to me telling me how sorry they are, how they should have been here, how they wish they could take my place. I can see the guilt on their face and I try to get through to them to tell her its not their fault and also not to blame Bruce but as I start to open my mouth I can see it in their eyes, the pity. Unable to stand it any more I turn my back and wait for them to go as they leave I hear them whisper  
  
"I still love you."  
  
I do my best to blot out the thoughts in my head. How can they love me? No longer the person they fell in love with no longer exists, killed by a mad mans bullet. The answer is clear shown in their eyes , they don't love me they pity me, making up my mind there and then to except no ones pity I make a decision that kills my heart. My love is there everyday now not leaving me alone, I have told them not to feel obligated because of my condition, I have even lied through my teeth and told them that I don't love them. Now I turn my back and ignore them, my heart killing me with every beat. After weeks of pain they finally get the hint and walk out leaving me alone, my heart forever dead.  
  
The Death of Love  
  
^v^  
  
Finally I am released and after much arguing I move into my own place fully furnished thanks to Wayne Industries. I sit Bruce down and prepare to have one of the hardest conversations in my life. I explain coldly and clinically how he needs a new partner, that my injury and the disappearance of one of Gotham's protectors cannot be linked. He fights and argues but in his heart he knows I'm right and agrees to start looking for a new replacement. Now comes the hard part I tell him I need to find out who I am now and for that I need space, space and time. Reluctantly he agrees and gives me a hug before rising to his feet and telling me to keep in touch.  
  
Its been six months and I now know who I am, I am the information broker for some of the most powerful heroes on the planet.  
  
With this in mind I have died my final death, Dick Grayson is no more, I am Odin the all knowing. He who sacrificed himself on the tree of knowledge, he who was less than whole and yet so much more.  
  
Maybe the Joker knew what he was doing when he was moving me around, maybe he wanted me to suffer all these deaths, maybe that was the joke, and if so I guess the joke is on me.  
  
The Death of Deaths  
  
  
  
end 


	2. Sojourn

Life and Deaths part 2 Sojourn  
  
Exile,  
  
Loneliness,  
  
Isolation,  
  
Even self imposed it can be hard, Have you ever spent a holiday alone? The only sound the TV or radio, your only interaction with a keyboard and a person who doesn't know you? Lonely isn't it? Try doing it for Months.  
  
I had shut myself off from the world, no human contact, my self-pity a prison without walls. At my request, my bitterness, the family had left me alone, giving me space and time, my only interaction with them was voyeuristic as I listened in to their comm. channels.  
  
Eventually as my self pity played itself out I realised I needed to do something, maybe I couldn't use my legs anymore, couldn't do what I had been trained for but there was nothing wrong with my mind. I concentrated on my main means of escape from my self-loathing, the computer.  
  
Using money invested for me by my parents and then boosted by Bruce's financial wizards I bought computers, enrolled on courses, talked with hackers over the net to boost Bruce's already impressive training, until I was ready for my final test, ready to see if I could soar in my new virtual environment.  
  
My big test, my own Herculean task was to hack the bat cave undetected. Starting with easier systems I slowly hacked my way into and through, the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, Titans headquarters and the JLA moon base. The resources of the last helping me accomplish the next step until finally I was ready.  
  
I had been working on hacking the Crays for just on three months, each time I thought I was getting close he would change the protocols and codes as if he knew I was there. After a further six months I was finally in, I had complete access to all records, security systems video feeds and security camera's. Now with adding his camera's to the existing CCTV already in place in Gotham there was no stone in this City I couldn't overturn and search if I wanted to. The main focus of my intrusions was my replacement, I watched him as he trained, taking everything in his stride, natural talent making things easy for him, too easy. After a mere year I heard the words I had been dreading,  
  
"It's time for the suit."  
  
Bruce, Barbara and Alfred all stood around waiting for my replacement, my better. I sat waiting for the blood red tunic, the bright yellow cape, the final nail in my coffin. As I waited my heart jack hammered in my chest, each beat a painful reminder of what I had lost. Slowly he entered the camera's field of view.  
  
Gone was the bright colours of innocence instead he wore a black body suit with a midnight blue wing motif. He stood looking bewildered at his raiment looking askance at the others,  
  
"What's this? This isn't the Robin costume."  
  
Pulling back his cowl Bruce looked up into the camera, staring right at me as if he knew that I was watching his glare piercing my heart,  
  
"There's only one Robin!"  
  
Swiftly replacing the cowl to hide his emotions he turned to his new partner.  
  
"Ready to go Nightwing?"  
  
An involuntary smile broke through my shell of anguish at the unexpected admission of love and praise.  
  
His style was familiar yet drastically different. He was more hesitant, less graceful. I watched as he brought down thugs and lowlifes, no major criminals, his performance was bat like and caused memories to clutch my heart with cold painful talons. I watched his progress overly critical, never allowing him to measure up to my standards. My bitterness keeping me watching, criticising, damning; then it came his first solo run, his first real test. Now we would see how good he was; now we would see how he fared.  
  
I set my computers to inform me when ever he logged on to the system, his research and background checks where adequate but his lack of experience showed, the clues triggered something, a memory. Researching one of the earlier cases I found what had been tickling my brain. The friendship bracelet that he had found the braiding was familiar; tribesmen in the desert used it. The braiding was particular to one region, one tribe. I knew whom he was up against even if he didn't, he was in over his head and I had no way of warning him. Watching as he prepared to go and meet his foe totally unprepared I sat and watched battling with my conscious, did I let my resentment cause another possible injury or even death or did I act the hero I once was and break my silence and aid my replacement. My decision made I watched as he mounted his bike and raced off to his future. Pressing a button on my console I cut my connection to the cave.  
  
The silence in my flat once consoling was now damning and as I rolled over to the phone and with agonisingly slowness pondered which button at the top of my speed dial to press. The phone seemed to ring forever each ring bringing the potential doom closer, at last I heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Wayne Enterprises, Sheila speaking." "Hey Sheila its Dick ." "Dick its been ages how are you doing I heard about." "Sorry Sheila but its kind of an emergency I need to talk to Bruce." "Mr. Wayne never came into work this morning, he missed an important meeting he organised with the head of Gotham's social services division." "Ok I guess I'll try at home then, Bye."  
  
Home, did I still count the manor as home? If I did what did that make this flat, an attempt at independence or a hermitage to contemplate my own faults and self loathing.  
  
The first call was hard this one was painful;  
  
"Hello, Wayne manor?"  
  
"Hi Alfie is Bruce there?"  
  
"Master Dick!" the joy in his voice was palpable.  
  
"Master Bruce is at the office, is there anything I may do?"  
  
"Could you check his tracker for me, this is about his cave enterprises!"  
  
"The tracker confirms it young sir Master Bruce is at his office."  
  
"Ok, maybe he ditched it I'll try the radio!"  
  
"If you wish sir, Oh and Master Dick?"  
  
"Yeah Alfred!"  
  
"Welcome back!" with that he put the phone down but the tone of his voice broke through, what I once would have taken as pity I know realised was love.  
  
Wheeling back to my computer set up I paused before opening my link to the Bat, doing this would let him know I had hacked his system undo all that I had worked for, doing this might stop him from going through the pain of losing another member of his family. Thinking quickly I opened the comm. channel, my synthesised voice haltingly calling out dreading, begging an answer.  
  
"Batman? Batman respond."  
  
The silence was deathly, each crackle of static raising my hopes before dashing them. With only one option left I could feel the tears running down my cheek as I dialled a number etched into my heart.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Babs its me D."  
  
"I'm not here at the moment but if you leave your name and number I'll get back to you as soon as I can!"  
  
BEEEEEEP!  
  
Replacing the hand set I returned to my computers feeling more alone than I had in months, after not needing anyone the feeling of abandonment when I did was overwhelming.  
  
Returning to my surveillance I watched as he got closer and closer to his destination. Was I ready to return to the game? Was I even willing? The questions, vortexes in my mind making me dizzy.  
  
Was I ready? Would I ever be, I had accessed the most carefully protected computer systems in the world I knew more about what was going on both globally and Nationally than any government. Was I ready? Yeah I think I am.  
  
Was I willing? Was that what all my training had been about? A chance to recapture my stolen glory, to take a life no longer mine and shape it to my needs. Or was it just something to do, a hobby that allowed me to watch and still be a part of my family. Could I go through all the pain and suffering again, could I allow Bruce to go through it all again when I could possibly prevent it?  
  
Ok Grayson, what's it going to be warrior or wimp, protector or prat.  
  
Hacking into the comm. system and the CCtv cameras for the dock he seemed to be heading for I surveyed the area looking for trouble.  
  
There's a problem with looking for trouble, you almost always find it. Apart from the group standing under the light and the smaller group hiding behind some crates I could also see three concealed snipers. Not professionals as the light reflecting off of their scopes proved but still dangerous.  
  
I watched as Nightwing stopped to assess the situation before going in. Good, he spotted the group hiding in the shadows and one of the snipers on an adjacent roof. Running silently he took flight flying across the space between the roofs. Landing with a roll he threw a bat-a-rang out. Flying as if it had radar like its namesake it struck the man in the temple knocking him unconscious before he realised he wasn't alone.  
  
Thinking that he had disarmed the trap he tied the man up and prepared to descend on the hiding group.  
  
Without thinking I flipped the comm. switch,  
  
"Wait!" "WHO is this?" His loud whisper showed his shock at someone interrupting him,  
  
"Who I am isn't important but before you say hello to your playmates down there I think you should know that there are two other snipers, one on the roof opposite and one in the dumpster who are waiting for you."  
  
"Why should I trust you, you could be anyone, what have you done with Batman?"  
  
"Bruce? What do you mean what have I done with Bruce?" Getting hold of my emotions I calmed down.  
  
"Ok I haven't done anything with Bruce in fact I'll help you find him, as to who I am you can call me Odin and as for trusting me you could check out what I said or you could get in touch with Alfred and ask him if he would trust me, tell him sawdust said Hi."  
  
"Sawdust, I thought you said your name was Odin?"  
  
"Listen Kid, You haven't got time for this so before you leap before you look use some of that bat training I know you have had, use the Starlite night vision lenses I know you have in your mask to confirm what I said and get back to the cave."  
  
Activating his lenses he could now see the two marksmen lying in wait.  
  
"Ok, I appreciate the heads up but I'm not heading back, besides who ever you are you have no idea what I can do!"  
  
With that he fired a line towards the second sniper and began to stalk his stalkers.  
  
Rinng riiinnng!  
  
"What the.?" "Hello?"  
  
"Dick! What's up? Has something happened?"  
  
Hearing her voice caused him to choke up, no words would pass the block in his throat, his reply just a hoarse whisper.  
  
"Babs."  
  
"Dick I can be there in ten minutes just hold on!"  
  
"Babs, its not me it's the new boy, he's heading into a trap, he needs help."  
  
"How ."  
  
"Babs he doesn't have time I think he's going up against Ra's and Bruce has disappeared."  
  
"I'm on my way."  
  
The next fifteen minutes was painful as my head went back and forth from the fight to Batgirl's cavalry charge.  
  
The fight was becoming predictable, while the new half of the dynamic duo was good he was seriously outmatched and out gunned, I saw it happen in almost slow motion a punch that left him just a little to committed to see the thug behind him. A strike to the kidneys that winded him and drove him to his knees and a hook to the temple that robbed him of consciousness.  
  
She arrived too late, and it was all my fault, if only I hadn't hesitated if only my own self pity hadn't stopped me from doing what I knew was right straight away, if only I had checked the door that fateful night then none of this would have happened. If only..  
  
They had dumped him in the back of a truck and retook their positions awaiting their next catch. Once more breaking into the comm. frequency I updated Batgirl on the situation.  
  
"If your information is accurate then my best bet would be to try and get in and out without engaging the enemy. How is the Wing-ding ? Do you know?"  
  
Opening up the other comm.. channel all I could hear was static with the occasional moan.  
  
"Seems like he's coming to BG, give me a few minutes to try and coax him round then you can start your rescue."  
  
Being locked in the back of a truck I had no visual on his condition but from the moans and wet gurgling sounds it seemed to be pretty bad.  
  
"Nightwing, Nightwing can you hear me? Its me Odin I need you to respond!"  
  
"O..cough.. din , it hurts, don't want to move help."  
  
"It's Ok help is on the way, BG is out side but she's gonna need your help, can you get out of the truck."  
  
"Hurts Odin, my fault ..cough.. should have listened, I failed, my first big case and I failed, tell ..cough.. him I'm sorr."  
  
I could hear him slipping back into unconsciousness, the pain and feeling of failure to much for him.  
  
"Nightwing you listen to me can you hear me?"  
  
"Not good enuff, not Robin."  
  
"You think Batman never made you Robin because you weren't good enough, Hah. Listen to me Robin made bigger mistakes than this one and walked away, sure he got injured, felt as if he had let Batman down, felt as if he wasn't good enough. But you know what he never gave up not till the end not till."  
  
Then it hit me I had given up, I hadn't had anything taken from me I had given it away; my family, my friends, my life.  
  
"Listen kid, let me tell you something even Batman makes mistakes but he doesn't give up. Now suck up the pain and lock it away its time to get your butt out of there. Now while Batgirl creates a diversion get ready to drive that truck out of there and don't stop till your free understand!"  
  
"Geez you sound just like Alfred."  
  
"Hey I was taught by the best!"  
  
At my signal Batgirl sprung into action, Letting herself be seen on the rooftop the men as one charged to surround the building and take her down. Offering a token resistance of a few gas pellets and a batarang or two for the more eager attackers she waited for the truck to roar into life and pass by the building before flying through the air with the grace I remember and landing on its roof leaving the welcome party behind. Opening a channel to the cave I told Alfred to expect wounded incoming.  
  
"Alfred any sign of Bruce yet?"  
  
"I'm afraid not Master Dick, I must admit to being rather perturbed by his absence."  
  
"Don't worry Alfie he'll be alright, Odin out."  
  
As far as I was concerned that was that Nightwing was safe and the family could concentrate on looking for and rescuing Bruce and I well I could return to my life of self indulgent pity.  
  
A few days later I was roused from my stupor by a knock on the door, checking the security camera's I could see a young man standing outside my apartment looking about nervously. I opened the door by remote and wheeled into the kitchen to make him a cup of hot chocolate.  
  
Popping his head round the door the young man called out,  
  
"Hello, is anyone home?" "Come in, I'm in the kitchen." "Babs said I should come here and find out for my self who helped me the other night, and to say thanks."  
  
I wheeled out of the kitchen with the two drinks I had prepared and held one out to him. Taking the drink he tried not to stare at me as his eye's tried to take in every detail.  
  
"H..H..Hi my names Tim Drake, I'm also the partner of the Batman Nightwing but I guess you know that huh."  
  
"Hi Tim, I'm Dick I used to be Robin so I guess that makes us brothers."  
  
We sat and talked, swapping stories telling each other of our lives. He was easy to talk to and as he sat and listened all my fears and pity flowed from me and he accepted it, no platitudes, no pity he just accepted it and offered silent support. As dusk shrouded the city we finally covered what had happened a few days ago and our growing concern for Bruce.  
  
"So what are you planning to do now?"  
  
I sat and pondered his question considering the options that had always been open to me but I had been to blind to see.  
  
"I don't know, I guess I'll see what happens?"  
  
"I don't think you understood me, you said you'd help me find Bruce, so what are you going to do now to help."  
  
Looking out the window I could see the bat signal slicing through the darkness like a flaming sword.  
  
"Well I guess I'm going to research the tribesmen who use that braiding that you found, and you are going to get dressed for your night job and go see what the Commissioner wants, right Babs?"  
  
*********  
  
I sat there on the window ledge watching and listening envious of how he could open up to this stranger to him yet shut out the one who loved him. Did I still love him? I don't know. When he turned me away and forced me from him it hurt me, it broke the trust I had in our love, the trust I placed in him to never break my heart, yet he had. Did he know I was there listening to their conversation, how far had his skills fallen with disuse, was it safe for him to return to our world in any form?  
  
The question he asked me was not completely unexpected, I knew he was still the same man, I hoped he was. I watched him smile as I entered his room, almost his old smile that would have me getting weak at the knee's but this was different it was tinged with sadness, and perhaps longing, for me or what once was I couldn't know. Not yet anyway.  
  
*********  
  
I watched them leave, listening to their banter as they flew to protect what once was mine, scouring the city and reporting back, increasing my font of knowledge, my birds of the night, my Ravens.  
  
tbc 


End file.
